Saturday, May 16, 2015

Last Months 07

I was floored by the pain for the last couple days. Even with pain meds, it still has immense power over me. I did get some thinking done while suffering. As I mentioned - or did I mention it? - one of my projects might get me in deep with Disney. It's called Jedi of the Modern Age. The protagonist and her friends aren't really Jedi, she - and the reader - discover that there have always been those with paranormal abilities which awaken usually at puberty. Called witches or called crazy, a bad fate usually befell them. What are these abilities? For one, they obviously aren't Jedi-like powers for the most part. They aren't the X-Men. They're tiny. Being able to pick locks with the mind. Telepathy - okay, they're like Jedi powers, except very small in scope - telekinesis, precognition, psychometry. Only trouble is, they sometimes work in weird circumstances: ability to be "lucky" but it only works at certain card games in quiet rooms, not at casinos. Or the ability to find lost things, not money, treasured keepsakes, lost toys. The X-Men they aren't. That's about all I've gotten done. Wish I was more productive, but the pain gets in the way of everything, even taking the trash out.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Last Months 06

This has been one hell of a week for me. My tmjd might be cancer. The pain and fatigue level of my tmjd shoots through the roof, only mildly relieved by my new meds. My brakes fail, resulting in a big repair bill. My tire explodes, literally explodes, causing yet another big bill. Several nights this week I did not all. Lyft is suspending services this Thursday. It is oppressive to think about, as if one were to contemplate being slowly driven into the ground, while being driven into the ground. No joy today, either, one long day of pain and fatigue.

One bright point, tomorrow I will pitch an idea to a home health care company. Wish me luck.

They didn't go for the pitch.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Last Months 05

I gave a old homeless guy a dollar last night. He asked my name and then told me he would pray for me. Drove home, hoping to take a quick break from Lyft, but I had a sudden onset of pain and fatigue.

I have physical courage. Anyone doubt that, read this: I could have let the winds take my mother, I could have curled up in the wreckage and saved myself. I did not.

But this enemy within, who attacks without warning, who weakens me when I want to be strong - this enemy defeats me at every encounter.

My deep appreciation to my donors at: Thank you so very much.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Last Months 04

Both last night and just now, I experienced perfect examples of the fatigue episodes that have so cursed my life. It starts with the inability to focus my eyes properly. Then weakness in my arms and legs. It has a sudden onset and an inability to push through the fatigue. I
have to lie down, but often this does not lead to sleep. My thoughts become slightly confused. It doesn't last, half an hour to three hours tops. Then I'm back to my usual pain from my tmjd.

It's been worse than this. Back in March when it first started, it was so much more intense, it drove me to the emergency room. I thought perhaps that I had a bleeding event in my stomach or intestines. Nope. The blood test also cleared me of having diabetes.  They were at a loss. I started feeling better, they released me, assuming it was viral.  I was all right for the next three or four days, then it returned. Most recently I went to a couple of doctors, who did nothing other than to confuse me intensely. One thought it was a response to the pain from my jaw. The other thought it was leukemia or a tumor in my jaw. If she thought that, why didn't she immediately send me to an oncologist? She didn't do shit, no prescriptions, no referrals, no nothing. I was pushed out the door. Even an urgent care clinic does more than that.

Not every symptom is grim. For some reason, I find the fact that the left side of my nose falls asleep hugely humorous...gotta find laughs where you can.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Last Months 03

Funny thing, I consider myself lucky. My tmjd (whether caused by "classic" tmjd or by a tumor or leukemia, yet to be determined) gives me almost constant pain, usually migrating pain from the temple down through the jaw and into my teeth, though sometimes it runs down my throat or along the side of my neck. I can only open my mouth half an inch. The left side of my face goes numb. Lucky? Severe tmjd can get much, much worse than that. The patient can have trouble talking, the jaw can become completely locked, the pain can spread to the shoulders, even down the legs, the patient can drool uncontrollably...this is a short list of the many, many problems severe tmjd can cause. Me, I have pain that interferes with my sleep to such an extent that I sleep only two or three hours a night. I have intense fatigue spells while awake...but I can still eat solid foods if I'm careful, I can still talk clearly, and I'm not drooling. I'm lucky.

As of right now, I'm awake enough to do laundry, but that's about it. I'll try to take a nap. Even attempted napping has a pallative effect, so I'll be rested enough to do the Lyft thing late this afternoon. It's the fatigue thing and the unexpected suspension of activities by Lyft that did me in, by the way. I've been essentially sleepless since March...I'm actually surprised that I'm still alive.

 I still say they're a bunch of outright cowards. The Lyft crew in San Francisco must be the whiniest, most pathetic bunch of humans on the planet. You want change, you have to fight for change.

My deep appreciation to my donors at: Thank you so very much.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Last Months 02

Last night, while waiting for Lyft to summon me into battle, I fell asleep on the sofa. It must have been a deep sleep, because when I jerked awake, my left arm and forearm were aching, the left side of my face was in intense pain, as if I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. My left wrist ached for a couple hours, my face eventually went completely numb - and weirdly, I had sympathetic numbness in my left lower leg. This is par for the course with whatever's wrong with me. It's why I'm so disappointed in each and every doctor I've seen. They take my information, my symptoms, they hem and haw...and they don't do shit. They don't send me on to a specialist, they don't treat me, they don't do anything! What do I have to do, writhe on the floor?

Cinco de Mayo! It's a big bust here in Albuquerque. The rainy skies canceled the fireworks, nobody went out partying. Maybe the weekend. It's been a harsh few days, I'll start up again tomorrow.

It's tomorrow now. I woke up in intense pain. It radiates from my left temple down along my jaw - my teeth feel like they are being squeezed out of their sockets. The pain from the temple has affected my left eye, it's hard to focus out of that eye. It takes weeks to find another doctor with my insurance, so instead I went to an urgent-care clinic. After hours of complaining and arguing, a nurse gave me a prescription for pain-killers. It's the state of our culture that the intense pain I suffer means nothing, but, oh, my, they are so, so concerned that I might become an addict. The big joke, these new pain-killers only blunt the pain, they don't remove it. They block it just enough that I can sleep, which what I did. I took a long nap. Now I can drive for Lyft this evening.

What a bunch of cowards they are. The slightest push-back, and these supposed leaders of our new economy fold like wet paper. How proud we much be of them, these Silicon Valley innovators who believe so little in their creation, they throw it away when facing even token resistance.

Shout-out to my cousin Jeff, who sent me a movie to cheer me up.

Maybe I can find a way through the thorns. I hope so. There has to be a way for me to survive in this world, I just haven't found it yet. But I've faced death before, twice in fact in one terrible night, so I'm not afraid if I fail. I will be heartbroken to send Bright Eyes forward before her time. As for myself, it's not a problem.

Here's the link to my gofundme campaign:

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Last Months 01

I thought I would keep a record of what might be the last months of my life. Several factors have conspired to do me in.

There's my temporomandibular joint disorder, which causes me almost constant pain...if it is TMJD. My last doctor thought it was a tumor or perhaps leukemia...but don't rule out TMJD. Victims of TMJD have killed themselves over the pain. My extreme fatigue made the doctor suspect cancer. It is so severe, it prevented me from working for many days over the last couple months, which is the partial cause of my current financial crisis.

I work as a Lyft driver. I'm good at it and the job allows me the flexibility to not work on days in which the pain or the fatigue are too intense to ignore. But the leader of the New Mexico senate is in the pocket of the cab companies. Current Senate Majority Leader Michael Sanchez’s brother is the lead lobbyist for the taxi industry, which hates ride-sharing. He blocked reform legislation from passing. The new rules by the New Mexico Public Regulation Commission released last week will regulate Lyft and Uber in ways similar to taxis. Lyft decided to "pause" operations. Uber has not yet decided what to do. I could work for Uber...except my minivan's a 2005 model. Uber doesn't want to hear from anyone who owns a ten year old vehicle. I've tried several times to sneak it by them in the application process, so far no go. I might try again soon, if they stay around. There's no certainty they will.

So I'm between a rock and a hard place. I had brake repairs and tire problems this week that stripped me out of eight hundred dollars, almost my entire reserve. I will continue to drive for Lyft until the 14th, I might generate $900. My cousin is selling my storage unit full of stuff, so I'm hoping that will generate around a grand or more.

What if I can't make the rent in June or July or August? I won't be homeless. That won't happen to me. This may be the end of me. We'll see, I'm not giving in just yet. But if it happens, that's all right, we all have to die sometime. I thought I'd have more time, to write, to find my way through the hateful puzzle-palace of modern publishing - if that's not to be...all right.